Protecting what matters most

In Memory of Katie Hancock

Last Thursday was a rough night for the city that I live in.  A horrible accident happened that took the life of an innocent 15 year-old.  Even though I never met her, she has been on my mind a lot the last few days.  I can't even imagine how her dear family feels right now.  I cannot imagine what her mother is going through. All I know is that I am so grateful to have a healthy and happy son right now and that my heart goes out to the Hancock family as they laid their lovely daughter to rest today.

As I think about the past events of the last few days I can't help but think about the value our children have in our lives and what we as mothers would be willing to do to protect them.  I know I am fiercely protective of my son.  Last Sunday he rolled off of the bed and it took me a while to stop shaking once I picked him up and settled him down.  I felt terrible that I did not take better precautions to protect him better.  And I know once he gets older it will just be more and more that I desire to protect him from.  And that gets me thinking about how to handle it when I cannot protect him from everything.

I cannot protect him from the actions of others.  I will not be able to be standing by him for every decision he makes in his life to protect him.  I cannot protect him in all situations that he will be in.  And that makes a part of me want to wrap him up in bubble wrap and not let him ever leave the house.  But that is not the point of life.

So then what do we do?

So I teach my son what is right and what is wrong.  I assist in instilling in him a desire to do what is right. I teach him about the world so that he might be protected from what comes his way.  And during and after I do all that I can, I can get down on my knees and pray for his protection.  And maybe this will help me to be able to trust that when I send him out of the door that nothing will happen unless it is supposed to and trust that I have taught him well how to make good decisions.  And maybe, just maybe, it will be slightly easier if he ever breaks his arm or runs into a tough situation.  Maybe it will be a little bit easier to not blame myself and to just move on.

I am just..... Creating Limitations

Our minds are very powerful.  We create realities off of what we believe and beliefs off of what we think and say.  So why do we limit ourselves?

The other day a customer came through my line at work and she said something.....

"I have just two kids."

That little word, "just," drives we crazy sometimes.  Interestingly enough, the customer picked up on the connotation behind her sentence right after she said it.  She does not "just" have to kids.  She has two kids.  There is no reason to limit and down play what she does and what she has.  Having two kids is awesome!  Two kids is so much more than having zero kids.  But for some reason, women feel the need to create limitations on what they do just because it does not seem as grandiose as what other women do.  This is especially prevalent when a woman becomes a mother.  A woman might know another woman who is able to do it all, who has a job and kids.  Then she describes herself as "just" a stay at home mom.  Do you know how hard it is to be a stay at home mom?  Those of you who are stay at home moms do.  And those of you that are stay at home moms might what to consider that the mother with a job might be jealous of you.

In the end it doesn't matter what other mothers do.  You are special and important based off of what you do.  The comparison is not necessary.

And that little word "just" should be deleted from the vocabulary of mothers.  You are not just something and you do not have just something.  It is okay to feel like there is a void in your life that needs to be filled.  Someday I hope to have more children.  But right now I am not "just" the mother of one child.  That creates limitations for me and what I want for the future may never come to pass if I believe that I am "just" the mother of one child.  What I am is the awesome mother of an amazing little boy who loves the stage of life she is in and is grateful for every moment.  And the more I live up to that, the more I give myself permission to expand on that and eventually I will have more children.  I have the power to live a more limitless life.

To the Mother of My Son's Future Wife

To the Mother of My Son's Future Wife,

I have been thinking a lot about you lately.  When I'm out in society, especially at work, I see all sorts of examples of mothers and what their daughters are becoming.  As I am not yet a mother of a daughter, it naturally leads me to think about you because I am interested in the types of girls my son will have associations with.

We as women really have a responsibility to leave a legacy in our children.  What type of legacy are you leaving in your daughter?  Will she grow up strong and confident, knowing she is worthwhile and beautiful or have you instilled in her insecurity and fear that will cause problems in her future relationships?  I know she will have the agency to make her own choices, but what kind of teachings does she have at her core?

The other day at work I saw a mother and a daughter in the line next to mine and was concerned.  The daughter was proceeding to pull up her short shorts up to make them even shorter.  She even checked to make sure they were just barely low enough to not actually show her butt.  All the while her mother stood right next to her, looking in the opposite direction, appearing oblivious to her daughter's actions.  Women need to teach their daughters that wearing revealing clothing is not required to be beautiful.  In fact, it often times can attract the wrong type of men who will help them have issues thinking they are beautiful.  Is see so many women at work who feel the need to show it all off in an effort to be beautiful.  There are enough women like this in the world.

Recently I saw the following video:

This video makes me wonder what your daughter thinks it means to do thinks "like a girl."  Does she know that just because she is a girl that she doesn't have to diminish herself, act ditsy and dumb, and not do things to the best of her ability?  This one is a hard one for me because this is a big problem.  You may have been taught wrong what is means to be a girl and this will have rubbed off of your daughter.  Or maybe you were taught right or decided to break a cycle and your daughter knows what it is like to be a strong and powerful female who can do whatever she wants.  Girls need to be taught that just because they are a girl does not mean that they cannot do things well.  Phrases like "you throw like a girl" need to be deleted from our speech because it should only be that I do things like me and to the best of my ability.

And please consider the message of this next video when you teach your daughter about her relationship with the world.



Does she know that she does not need to apologize when she didn't do something wrong?  Women are very quick to apologize and to take all the blame in every situation, even when there is no blame at all.  She does not have to apologize for having an opinion and being a contributing member of society.  She does not have to apologize for being who she is and she definitely doesn't have to apologize because she thinks she is getting in the way of others.  The one and only time she needs to apologize is if she actually did something wrong.

Someday I hope to be the mother of a daughter and to have the ability to teach her not only what is morally right and wrong but also what is right and wrong with being a woman.  Until that day when I have that opportunity, I can only think about you and hope that you are teaching your daughter to become the kind of girl I want my son to marry.

Sincerely,

The Mother of Your Daughter's Future Husband

Bed Time and Curfews

Working in a grocery store, I have the chance to see many families in different situations.  There are people with no kids, people with lots of kids, people with loud kids, people with quiet kids, and just about every other situation imaginable.  From almost the beginning of working there I started to be amazed by one of the situations.  Kids in the store around dinner time makes complete sense to me.  But, why is there children in the store after 9:00 pm? 

I'm not talking about teenagers that have later curfews.  I'm talking about little babies in their pajamas and 10 year-olds in the store with no adults.  I'm not saying that 10 year-olds need to be supervised all the time, but the other night there were some kids in the store with no adults later than some teenagers have curfews.  And what about the little babies and toddlers who have no choice?  Their parents drag them out of the house because of a "need" for food at 10:00 pm and they have no control over whether they leave the house or go to bed.

The more I think about all this though, the less it makes me mad.  I feel sad for the little kids who are obviously tired and need to go to bed.  But, looking at my own situation tells me that I don't know their stories and their reason for going to the store so late and dragging their children along with them.  My son goes to bed about the same time every night, but there are times that everything does not go according to plan.  Just the other night family was over at our house and my son decided that he did not want to go to bed while fun people were over at our house.  Even though he tired, he got so excited by them being there that he could not sleep.  In fact, when everyone left he was still going strong.  The quickest way to get him to sleep was to go for a drive.  So we drove the 3 minutes to the grocery store, bought a quick treat, and by the time we drove the three minutes back he was asleep.  And this all took place after 9:00 pm.  I became one of those mothers in the store after 9:00 pm with my sleepy kid in his pajamas.

And it definitely could be worse.  I am grateful that the kids are with them rather than the parents being at the store and the kids being home alone.  It is more safe for the kids to be with their parents than home alone.

So yet again, I have decided that I cannot judge the other mothers around me.  I have my own ideas about bed time and curfews but since I am only the best mother for my son I don't have the power to decide if my ideas are good for someone else.  As long as the kids are safe and treated well then they really are not in harm.  And as hard as it is for me some times I have to let others do what they deem right and let go of the bad feelings towards other people.  They don't have to act the way I do.

Beware the Mommy Pride

I have to be honest.... I almost didn't write this post.

But, it keeps playing over and over in my head, so I think I really need to share it.

The other day I heard something about someone else (details not important) and almost immediately I was able to witness a conversation in my head between what I later recognized as my true self and some pride that was trying to sneak it.  The conversation went something like this:

PRIDE:  Hey you are just as good, if not better.  You should do that.
SELF:  But I don't really want to.
PRIDE:  Yes you do.  You want to do that so that you look better and people know that you are smart and important.
SELF:  But I don't really like that.
PRIDE:  Come on, it's not about liking.  It's about looking smart and important.  And you are cool and accepted if you are smart and important.  Don't you want everyone to like you?
SELF:  Seriously?  This is not going to work.  I recognize who you are.  You are pride and you are trying to get in the way of what I am really supposed to do and what my true purpose is.  If I believe you, I will get stuck in a situation that I don't like and will be super stressed because I am living out of alignment.  I am a mother and that is my purpose.  Anything that distracts or derails me from that is not my purpose is not something that I am going to indulge in.  I want to do things that highlight my purpose.  Thank you very much, keep your mouth shut, and have a nice day.

I am just grateful that I was able to recognize that one of these voices was pride.  And the more I reflected on this happening the more I saw the temptation to be have pride when it comes to being a mom.  Pride can sneak in in so many different ways.  There are two big ones that can really get in the way of being a good mom.

First, like my experience above, is the prideful temptation that we are not good enough being a mother.  Now there is a difference between feeling like it is your purpose to have an additional thing you do, but for many of us there is the pull to worldly glory that distract from what we are really supposed to be doing.

Second, is the temptation to have pride in our children.  And I don't mean being proud of your children for doing something good.  I mean comparing your children to other children in an effort to make them look better and then in turn have more worldly glory that you are better because you have the better children.

See the pattern here?  WORLDLY GLORY.  Being a mom is not about what the world thinks.  Being a mom is about being the best you can be and helping your children to become the best they can be.  Just beware that the closer you get to becoming your best, the more pride will try to sneak in.  Pride does not want you to actually be your best.  Pride wants you to fail.  So stay strong!  Beware the Pride and live for those that really matter!

World's Okayest Mom?

If I asked you to fill in the blank in the following sentence "I am the world's ______est mom," what would you say?

Prettiest?
Smartest?
Nicest?
Coolest?

What about Okayest?  I saw a lady the other day with a shirt on that said, "World's Okayest Mom."  At first I laughed a little and wanted to tell her that I liked her shirt.  I saw the shirt as an honest truth that no one is the World's Best Mom.  There is always some mother out there that is better, right?  And if it's not enough that we have to measure up to real women there are TV women out there that definitely are better moms.  Seriously, what do I have that matches up to June Cleaver and does Carol Brady ever get mad?  Compared to those two and the several awesome real mothers out there in the world, I am sure I wouldn't get the prize for the World's Best Mom.

Or would I?

I thought struck me with such force that I had to share it with my husband and I feel compelled to share it with you now.  This though stopped me from telling this lady that I liked her shirt.  In fact, this thought made me do a 180 and now I don't like the shirt at all.

I am the World's Best Mom.

Guess what?  You are too.

And how are we all the World's Best Mom?  Because you are the best mom for your kids.  I am the best mom for my son.  If I wasn't the best mom for him then he would be in a different family.  God picked me to be his mother.  And if I was hand picked out of the millions of mother's out there in the world to be the mother of my son, then I must be the World's Best Mom to him.  I am fully expecting there to be times in his life where he doesn't really appreciate what I do or my opinion, but there is something about him and something about me that make the match of the two of us the best for us.  We won't always do everything perfect or make all the right choices, but that is not what being the best is really about.  Being the best is about being the best suited for the job.  And I am not asked to be the mother off all the children in the world.  Right now I am asked to just be the mother of my son.  Someday there may be other children that I get to mother, but right now it's just the two of us.  And it's pretty cool.

Why?  Because we are the best fit for each other.  Because in our little world, he is the best son and I am the best mother.  We fit together better than either of us could fit with any other existing mother or son.  We make one awesome team.

I would like to take a moment and acknowledge that there are some mothers who do not treat their children well.  These mothers started out with the potential to be the best mother for their children, but refused the job.  And many times these children are taken away and put into different homes for a shot at finding their own new World's Best Mom (even if it's just a foster mom).

Assuming that none of you are such mothers, I would like to say, give yourself a break sometimes.  Do your best and don't beat yourselves up.  As long as you are striving to do your best, you are your child's World's Best Mom.  Even when they don't agree, it's still true.

So embrace it.  Love it.  Shake off the mediocrity that tells you that you are no good and you cannot be more than the World's Okayest Mom.  Accept your calling.

And be the Best.

Independent or Slave?

For most women there is a period of time in between childhood and being a mom.  As a single adult/newly married but not yet pregnant adult, we often time develop a strong sense of independence.  Many relish the time as a time of independence where they can make their own decisions and not have to be bound to what other people want.  I remember my grandmother telling me that she loved the time between getting married and when she had children because my grandfather would go to work and she was free to do whatever she wanted to.

It is understandable why some women would feel this way.  On the surface it looks like we go from free to go anywhere we want and do anything we want to being bound by soccer practices, diaper changes, dinner time, homework, snacks, school carpools, and more.  This overview really does make it look like a woman goes from being free to being a slave.  We as mothers can often feel like we are bound by the wished of our children.  And then, when all you energy is gone, you husband is going to want something.  There is little time left for manicures and women's night out to the movies.

But is it really that way?

When I dive a little further into it, I start to wonder if it is actually the other way around.  Does having a child actually makes us more free and happy?  True we are not technically "independent" since we are no longer doing things alone, but we are not slaves.

First off, for most of us we chose to be in our situation.  I don't know too many slaves in history who found a master and said, "Oh will you please make me your slave?  I really want to be under your control and be your slave."  It just didn't happen.  (And if any of you are thinking that you technically didn't choose to have a child because the pregnancy was a surprise.... well someone had to participate in the act that got you pregnant in the first place....)

And let's look at the child's activities that make us feel so enslaved in the first place.  The diaper got changed because you chose to change it rather than let it leak all over the place, you child goes to soccer practice because you choose to let him or her be on the team, you drive for carpool because you chose to be part of a carpool so that you don't have to drive every day, and you choose to help your child with homework so that they can get a better grade.  Everything we do in life is still because we choose to do it.  

Here's what the real difference is.

As a mother I have the choice to do things that make a real difference.  True I could do to the movies before any time I wanted, but me going to the movies does not actually make any difference in the world.  But, when I choose to help my son become a good person, that makes a difference in the world.  I now have the freedom to choose what I want to do with my son and thus how I want to help him grow up.  I am not his slave, I am one to lead him and guide him and walk with him down the path that hopefully leads to him becoming a successful adult who makes a difference in the world.

I am amazed at one of my sisters who home schools her children.  Not because she has the patience to be her children's teacher, but because she is choosing to take the time to make a difference in her children's lives and therefore change the world.

My own mother has made a huge impact on the world through her eight children.  We are now all in different places in our lives, but we are all educated and able to think for ourselves.  We are capable of getting jobs if needed and all of her daughters are now mothers, making their own impact on the world.

My same grandmother who relished the time before having children is now gone.  But, before she passed she was once free to do whatever she wanted again.  My grandfather has already passed and no one else lived with her.  But, she now was focused on something else.  She always wanted to know what we were all doing and often said that she didn't like how we lived so far apart.  She saw the fruits of her choices and saw what a real difference in the world she was able to make.  

Breaking Down

It is a fact of life that no matter how much you love what you do that if you take on too much or get your priorities out of whack you will eventually break down.

The other day I was shown something that really triggered me.  It is really simple in theory, but potentially really emotionally unsettling.  It goes like this....

Your priorities of relationships are supposed to go like this:
1.) Your relationship with your Creator
2.) Your relationship with yourself
3.) Your relationship with your family
     a. Spouse
     b. Children
4.) Your relationship with everyone else
5.) Your relationship with objects

After hearing this list, at first I was okay.  It seems simple enough.  One allows you the ability to have the next and so on.  But then the thoughts started to build in my subconscious.  What if I'm not in balance?  What if I want more priority with one?  And is time and priority are not the same then how do I strengthen one?  And if I want to strengthen one does that come from strengthening the ones above it or from giving less to the ones underneath?  And why is this ANOTHER reminder that I tend to skip right over #2 and then wonder why I end up feeling overworked and depressed and stop doing anything except the essentials (like taking care of my son)?!?!

AND, my digestive issues flared up again.........

THEN, my husband is into emotions having physical manifestations and wanted me to find out what emotion could cause a flare up of digestive issues.....

SO, I googled it....

Normally I love to look things up and learn, but this time I found out that stress and anxiety manifest in the digestive tract.  And I lost it.  Something about reading that along with actually feeling stress and anxiety about a few different things made me totally loose it.  I cried and cried.  And it was one of those thing where all the emotions that were hiding come spilling out and it really can't be stopped until it's done.  The next day I was still feeling kind of raw.  But, taking care of my son makes me feel better.  He is awesome and makes my days where it is just the two of us awesome.

Do you ever do that (hold it all in and then breakdown)?  I think it is a woman condition that potentially gets worse when children are introduced into the picture because it just adds one more relationship to prioritize.  And we all have moments in our lives that we feel so altruistic thinking that we are a better mother and a better wife and a better woman if we skip ourselves and take care of everyone else.  (Side note: Please try to not skip yourselves completely.... People will appreciate it if you at least take a shower.  On the other hand, figuring out the balance is better than skipping yourself at all.)  So we all develop coping mechanisms that help us when the emotions break (mine is usually crying).

But, I can't help but wonder if we would all function better if we could balance the priorities better.  Like when I make sure to do my hair and look cute after taking a shower because I feel better then (even if it means having my son watch me do my hair).  Then I at least feel good about myself instead of adding that into the emotional fix.  It just might help.

Unless Aunt Flo is coming, then you might just be out of luck.