As I sit here writing this post, my son is asleep on my lap and my heart is full of love for him. I love hold him while he sleeps. I love his little angelic face with his long eyelashes. I love when he stirs and his thumb makes his way to his mouth. I love how when he whimpers from a bad dream that all I have to do is touch his cheek and he relaxes again. It brings tears to my eyes to think about how special this little boy is and how magical it is to be his mother.
While we were going through our trial of waiting for him my husband asked me on multiple occasions if my strong desire to have a child meant that he was not enough for me. How does one even answer that question? We are on this earth to have families and there was a place in my heart that felt empty. An empty spot that I knew a child, this little boy, could only fill. My husband fills the spouse spot completely. But deep down in my soul I knew that there was supposed to be a baby in our house and that spot would not be filled until we were able to welcome a child into our house. And now that he is here the love I have for him has gushed into that empty spot and I don't feel empty there anymore.
The other day I was thinking about this and had a thought pop into my head. If my empty spot is filled then what about subsequent children? No let me make one thing perfectly clear. We are not working on a second child right now. I am not wanting to get pregnant soon. That is not what I am saying. It was this weird random thought as I considered how many things in my future would go. So what I wonder is, when it comes the time to welcome a second child into my family how will the increase of love happen? Will my heart expand again and I will feel another empty spot? Or will the current space in my heart just be more concentrated with love? Of course my heart is not going to physically grow, but will my metaphorical heart that houses my emotions grow?
Considering the love and happiness that is in our home as a result of our son, it is hard to imagine it being humanly possible to add more to it. But somehow it is. My sisters both have 3 kids, my mother has 8. It must come more from the spiritual factor of God allowing us to have an increase capability to handle emotions, even beyond what seems humanly possible. I guess time really will only tell how it will go.
Please take time to comment on how you feel about your children. Did you ever experience these feelings as a first time mom (wondering how you will fit more love in your heart)? Moms of multiple kids, how did it go for you when adding subsequent children to your families?
Friday, May 30, 2014
Monday, May 26, 2014
Remembering
Today is Memorial Day. The day that is set aside to remember those who have died in battle. Those who have died trying to gain or protect freedom for someone. What a selfless act to die in behalf of someone else! A dying soldier never gets to see the fruits of their efforts and never gets to receive thanks for what they sacrificed while in this life. I have always been in awe of those men and women. I am in awe of a coworker of mine who, at the young age of 16, knows that she wants to be part of the military to honor those who have gone before and to serve her country. I am also in awe every time I drive down a certain street by my in-law's house that was renamed for a soldier who lost his life in a recent battle. These men and women are special and filled special purposes on this earth.
I would like to take a moment to remember those who have gone before, fighting for what is right in expense of their very lives.
On the topic of remembrance, there are other things that we as mothers should remember. Of course we need to remember to feed the kids, take them to school, pick them up, do grocery shopping, change the baby's diaper, clean the house, the list goes on. But while we are running around it is often hard to forget to notice the fruits of our labors: the hugs, the smiles, the well feed tummies, and content children. It is easy to forget that we are special, and smart, and loving, and not just a robot that goes through all of the motions. When I look in my son's eyes I see his love for me and I know that what I do is appreciated and that I am loved.
The other day I was showing my son some Sesame Street videos and discovered the below video. It is an awesome message for children. But, I was also impressed with how great the message is also for mothers. Remember that you and your children have great talents and do great work. You can achieve your dreams and help foster the dreams of your children. You have a mighty potential. What you are is SPECIAL.
I would like to take a moment to remember those who have gone before, fighting for what is right in expense of their very lives.
On the topic of remembrance, there are other things that we as mothers should remember. Of course we need to remember to feed the kids, take them to school, pick them up, do grocery shopping, change the baby's diaper, clean the house, the list goes on. But while we are running around it is often hard to forget to notice the fruits of our labors: the hugs, the smiles, the well feed tummies, and content children. It is easy to forget that we are special, and smart, and loving, and not just a robot that goes through all of the motions. When I look in my son's eyes I see his love for me and I know that what I do is appreciated and that I am loved.
The other day I was showing my son some Sesame Street videos and discovered the below video. It is an awesome message for children. But, I was also impressed with how great the message is also for mothers. Remember that you and your children have great talents and do great work. You can achieve your dreams and help foster the dreams of your children. You have a mighty potential. What you are is SPECIAL.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Balancing Activities and Family Life
Over the last few years my husband and I have had many conversations about what to do if our children want to participate in outside of the home activities. By this I mean activities such as sports, music lessons, clubs, etc where the child mostly participates with people who are not part of their family. This discussion comes up because of a few reasons:
1.) These activities exist to help enrich children's lives and foster building their talents. If we have a child that is really good at something I have no idea how to do, then how can we help them build their talents if I can't help them develop the skill?
2.) Activities cost money. And let's be frankly honest here, there is enough money in the world, but, until I figure something out, there is not a huge supply in my bank account.
3.) Children like to change their minds. Today the dream might be to be a fireman, but tomorrow it might change into an Olympic bobsledder. And that really could get expensive if we paid for lessons/training in everything a child shows interest in. (Let me interject a comment here that a child changing there mind is not a negative or bad thing. This is just all part of the process of becoming the best version of their truest self who is fulfilling their own purpose in life. Quitting something is an excellent springboard to start something else.)
4.) What about family time? Desmond Tutu said, "You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them." Michael J. Fox said, "Family is not an important thing. It's everything." (emphasis added) So if family is the most important thing, the it is really the right thing to put my child/future children into so many activities that we are not spending enough time as a family?
The answer lies in finding a good balance. But that is probably the most tricky part. It is kind of scary to thing that if my balance is off, I could miss an ideal time to introduce my child to an activity that he could really excel in. What kind of mother would I be if I let money get in the way? I have a friend who was once a championship gymnast. We are talking about leading the University of Utah to their very first national championship. She almost went to the Olympics (a life changing event prevented her from actually getting there but she would have.) But, she had to clean the gym in exchange for lessons because their family did not have enough money for that kind of training.
So, here are somethings my husband and I have decided. There is nothing wrong with letting kids explore what they think they might be interested in. But, that doesn't mean that we have to pay for it right away. I know lots of people. So if I don't know how to do the activity myself, I probably know someone who does. Then, if they show an aptitude and an increased interest, we can look at moving forward with paid lessons. Also, children's activities can become family time. I was in band a lot growing up. One of my best memories of band was my dad being at every single concert and performance except the All-State Band performance that was too far away for him to come. That meant a lot to me. The best cheerleaders can be family. The last thing we decided is that since family is the most important we have to establish priorities. There is a difference between one or two activities for a child and fifteen.
So when my son started showing an interest in animals, I took him to a pet store. Pet stores do not cost money. We looked at all the animals and he loved it. So if he keeps showing interest in animals we will take him other places with animals and look at volunteer opportunities and training that might assist him in this love. But for right now, especially since he is just a baby, we will start small. We will encourage what he seems to like and let him know that it is okay if he moves on to a different interest. And eventually he will find the avenues to develop his talents as well as to discover his purpose on this Earth.
What do you think of activities outside of the home? Do you let your kids do everything they show interest in or are their limitations?
1.) These activities exist to help enrich children's lives and foster building their talents. If we have a child that is really good at something I have no idea how to do, then how can we help them build their talents if I can't help them develop the skill?
2.) Activities cost money. And let's be frankly honest here, there is enough money in the world, but, until I figure something out, there is not a huge supply in my bank account.
3.) Children like to change their minds. Today the dream might be to be a fireman, but tomorrow it might change into an Olympic bobsledder. And that really could get expensive if we paid for lessons/training in everything a child shows interest in. (Let me interject a comment here that a child changing there mind is not a negative or bad thing. This is just all part of the process of becoming the best version of their truest self who is fulfilling their own purpose in life. Quitting something is an excellent springboard to start something else.)
4.) What about family time? Desmond Tutu said, "You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them." Michael J. Fox said, "Family is not an important thing. It's everything." (emphasis added) So if family is the most important thing, the it is really the right thing to put my child/future children into so many activities that we are not spending enough time as a family?
The answer lies in finding a good balance. But that is probably the most tricky part. It is kind of scary to thing that if my balance is off, I could miss an ideal time to introduce my child to an activity that he could really excel in. What kind of mother would I be if I let money get in the way? I have a friend who was once a championship gymnast. We are talking about leading the University of Utah to their very first national championship. She almost went to the Olympics (a life changing event prevented her from actually getting there but she would have.) But, she had to clean the gym in exchange for lessons because their family did not have enough money for that kind of training.
So, here are somethings my husband and I have decided. There is nothing wrong with letting kids explore what they think they might be interested in. But, that doesn't mean that we have to pay for it right away. I know lots of people. So if I don't know how to do the activity myself, I probably know someone who does. Then, if they show an aptitude and an increased interest, we can look at moving forward with paid lessons. Also, children's activities can become family time. I was in band a lot growing up. One of my best memories of band was my dad being at every single concert and performance except the All-State Band performance that was too far away for him to come. That meant a lot to me. The best cheerleaders can be family. The last thing we decided is that since family is the most important we have to establish priorities. There is a difference between one or two activities for a child and fifteen.
So when my son started showing an interest in animals, I took him to a pet store. Pet stores do not cost money. We looked at all the animals and he loved it. So if he keeps showing interest in animals we will take him other places with animals and look at volunteer opportunities and training that might assist him in this love. But for right now, especially since he is just a baby, we will start small. We will encourage what he seems to like and let him know that it is okay if he moves on to a different interest. And eventually he will find the avenues to develop his talents as well as to discover his purpose on this Earth.
What do you think of activities outside of the home? Do you let your kids do everything they show interest in or are their limitations?
Monday, May 19, 2014
Naughty or Nice?
As some of you know I currently work a few night shifts a week as a cashier at a local grocery store. I miss my son terribly when I go so I end up spending most of my shift talking to the customers about their children and sneaking in comments about my son whenever possible. My focus on children allows me to observe things about parenting and about young children. Frequently the young children of the customers grab candy off of the shelves, beg for toys, and stand up in the shopping cart. The more I see this, I wonder if the mother the other night who called her toddler son naughty for standing up in the cart is correct.
A bit of a back story here.... I have grown up with the idea that young children who do the right things are good and young children who do the wrong things are naughty. Right things meaning not crying, not stealing, not complaining, not begging, and generally being a happy and content child. Wrong things meaning the opposite.
I don't know how this belief got fostered or what the original source was (i.e. I'm not blaming my parents. In fact I'm not blaming anyone. Blame is a pointless game that doesn't get anywhere). However, two distinct events have caused me to question my belief and whether or not it is true. The first instance was a realization that dawned on me one day that a young child is not naughty if they cry, they are only trying to communicate. When my son cries he is trying to tell me that something is wrong or that he wants something that he does not currently have. If he smiled a giggled when his tummy hurt then I would never know that his tummy hurt since he cannot talk.
The second instance happened at work. A mother pushed her child through the lane and the child proceeded to pick up a candy from a box on the register and make a move to open it. Had an adult done this, it would be stealing. However, it was impressed upon my mind that this young toddler did not know that the candy was for sale and needed to be purchased; she only saw yummy candy.
There is a definition of naughty in the Webster's dictionary that says "guilty of disobedience or misbehavior." So doesn't it make sense then that in order to be naughty a person must first understand what obedience and behavior is? And if a child who does not understand obedience and behavior gets called naughty because an adult does not like how they are acting, does that teach the child that their behavior is naughty or does that teach the child that they are naughty? Do naughty children exist because they desire disobedience and misbehavior or because they believe they are naughty and thereby act in a naughty fashion?
The product of all of these thoughts is a goal, an experiment if you will. My paradigm shift is that my son is actually being good when he cries. He is communicating to me that there is a problem. I am grateful for the communication. So I tell my son that he is a good boy. I tell him that it is okay to cry and that it is good to express how he is feeling. Will it have an effect? I'm not sure, but my hypothesis is that it will. With that said, I do know that he will grow into accountability believing that his mother thinks he is good. Perhaps it will aid him in desiring to do what's right because he will believe that he is a good person. He has his own agency to make his choices, but perhaps believing he his good will help him to act like he is good.
You more experienced mothers out there.... What do you think of this idea? Do you think that instilling a belief in a child that they are a good person can help them to make right choices?
The second instance happened at work. A mother pushed her child through the lane and the child proceeded to pick up a candy from a box on the register and make a move to open it. Had an adult done this, it would be stealing. However, it was impressed upon my mind that this young toddler did not know that the candy was for sale and needed to be purchased; she only saw yummy candy.
There is a definition of naughty in the Webster's dictionary that says "guilty of disobedience or misbehavior." So doesn't it make sense then that in order to be naughty a person must first understand what obedience and behavior is? And if a child who does not understand obedience and behavior gets called naughty because an adult does not like how they are acting, does that teach the child that their behavior is naughty or does that teach the child that they are naughty? Do naughty children exist because they desire disobedience and misbehavior or because they believe they are naughty and thereby act in a naughty fashion?
The product of all of these thoughts is a goal, an experiment if you will. My paradigm shift is that my son is actually being good when he cries. He is communicating to me that there is a problem. I am grateful for the communication. So I tell my son that he is a good boy. I tell him that it is okay to cry and that it is good to express how he is feeling. Will it have an effect? I'm not sure, but my hypothesis is that it will. With that said, I do know that he will grow into accountability believing that his mother thinks he is good. Perhaps it will aid him in desiring to do what's right because he will believe that he is a good person. He has his own agency to make his choices, but perhaps believing he his good will help him to act like he is good.
You more experienced mothers out there.... What do you think of this idea? Do you think that instilling a belief in a child that they are a good person can help them to make right choices?
Friday, May 16, 2014
Time-Outs, Purposes, and a Few Confessions
I am being very brave today. For some reason I am finding in me to do several things today that a month ago I would have never dreamed of doing. Like starting this blog and starting with this topic on this blog. I might as well have an opinion against the norm right out of the gate. Here it is plan and simple, I don't get the need for a time-out from my son. (Please remember that this is all my belief and my opinion.)
By time-out I mean planning time to get away from your children to go do something else and actually carrying out the plan. I am talking about the need and the desire to get away from your children. Now let's get one thing straight before I continue, I am not judging you if you need time away from your children. It is not bad and you are not bad. I'm just saying I don't understand. I don't bore of my son and no I don't want you to hold him (but I will let you so you can have a relationship with him also). In fact there are times that I would rather hold him and watch him sleep than sleep myself. There are probably a few of you out there that are thinking that I don't know what I am talking about since I only have one child who is still a baby and is usually very good tempered. I can almost hear some of you saying, "Just wait until you have 2 (or 3 or 4 or however many kids you have) and then you will understand the need to get away from the madness!" Well, I was talking to my mom today about this very subject and she doesn't understand time-outs either. And she raised 8 kids.....
To be very open and honest here, it took me a while to get my son. I am going to admit to somethings here that most if not all of you do not know about me and my little family. Many of you know that I have wanted to be a mom for basically forever, and most of you know it took me a while to get married. This was not from lack of desire. Let's be honest and face the facts. While I think that I am a pretty great person, for most of my life guys have thought that I wasn't worth more than a couple months of their time. Don't feel sorry for me, I'm over it. Finally at the ripe old age of almost 29, I got married. At first it amazed me that there was actually a guy in the world that not only wanted to spend more than a couple months with me and he actually wanted to spend eternity with me. Score one for me!
Then came the struggle. After a while we started talking about having kids. Both of us kind of wanted to wait a year before getting pregnant. So about a year went by and my desire to be a mom was stronger than ever, so I was good to go. Or so I thought..... Months went by with no baby. Perhaps needless to say, this caused a lot of tension in our household. We even explored the possibility of adoption. There was even a point that a certain doctor made the comment that my husband would never get me pregnant without some serious fertility treatments. This is not the time to go into the reasons and back story on that one, but the comment is very important because several months later I did get pregnant without the fertility treatments. Yes I consider my son to be a MIRACLE.
When he was born it was like a hole in my heart was finally filled. I really believe that I was born to be my son's mother. (And mother to any other siblings that he may have in the future.) The doctor that did my c-section advised me that I needed to have time every week by myself, without my son, or else I would get burned out quickly. And getting a job did not count. This sentiment seems to be shared by many people. There are blog posts and entire websites associated with the very idea (http://www.mommytimeout.com/, http://mommys-timeout.com/, http://www.thebettermom.com/2013/09/18/5-signs-you-need-a-mommy-time-out/). So I decided to try it, since everyone said that is what I needed. And what I found was I was counting the minutes left until I could get back home to my son. I did not like it. And as he grew older I found myself finding ways to bring him with me when I go places. (Disclaimer: He does go to baby sitters some times when my husband and I have a special date or something we have to go to where I cannot figure out a way to bring my son along.)
Still I don't get it. So I started thinking about it. Why is it that I don't get it, yet there are so many moms who need it? I guess it could be my patience level or some other characteristic...... Or maybe it's comes down to purpose. Everyone is placed on this earth with a purpose. I have been learning a lot about passion and purpose lately (if you struggle finding yours Conscious Creator by Kris Krohn is an excellent book). Now there is probably someone thinking, "But I though the purpose and passion of all women is to be a mom. Isn't that the way it is supposed to be?" What if it's not? No let me be very careful when I say that. All women are supposed to be mothers and bring children to the earth. That's how they get here. But what if your actual passion and purpose is something else that you are supposed to do while you are being a mother? What if I don't understand the need for a time-out because I have been instilled with an immense passion for being a mom and that is my purpose? Instead of doing my passion while I am a mom, I am living my passion of being a mom while I do something else (right now work at a grocery store). So I carry on with my passion. I don't take time-outs from my son.
What are your thoughts? Do you need time outs? Do you think that it's possible to have a passion separate from being a mother that is something you do while being a mom?
By time-out I mean planning time to get away from your children to go do something else and actually carrying out the plan. I am talking about the need and the desire to get away from your children. Now let's get one thing straight before I continue, I am not judging you if you need time away from your children. It is not bad and you are not bad. I'm just saying I don't understand. I don't bore of my son and no I don't want you to hold him (but I will let you so you can have a relationship with him also). In fact there are times that I would rather hold him and watch him sleep than sleep myself. There are probably a few of you out there that are thinking that I don't know what I am talking about since I only have one child who is still a baby and is usually very good tempered. I can almost hear some of you saying, "Just wait until you have 2 (or 3 or 4 or however many kids you have) and then you will understand the need to get away from the madness!" Well, I was talking to my mom today about this very subject and she doesn't understand time-outs either. And she raised 8 kids.....
To be very open and honest here, it took me a while to get my son. I am going to admit to somethings here that most if not all of you do not know about me and my little family. Many of you know that I have wanted to be a mom for basically forever, and most of you know it took me a while to get married. This was not from lack of desire. Let's be honest and face the facts. While I think that I am a pretty great person, for most of my life guys have thought that I wasn't worth more than a couple months of their time. Don't feel sorry for me, I'm over it. Finally at the ripe old age of almost 29, I got married. At first it amazed me that there was actually a guy in the world that not only wanted to spend more than a couple months with me and he actually wanted to spend eternity with me. Score one for me!
Then came the struggle. After a while we started talking about having kids. Both of us kind of wanted to wait a year before getting pregnant. So about a year went by and my desire to be a mom was stronger than ever, so I was good to go. Or so I thought..... Months went by with no baby. Perhaps needless to say, this caused a lot of tension in our household. We even explored the possibility of adoption. There was even a point that a certain doctor made the comment that my husband would never get me pregnant without some serious fertility treatments. This is not the time to go into the reasons and back story on that one, but the comment is very important because several months later I did get pregnant without the fertility treatments. Yes I consider my son to be a MIRACLE.
When he was born it was like a hole in my heart was finally filled. I really believe that I was born to be my son's mother. (And mother to any other siblings that he may have in the future.) The doctor that did my c-section advised me that I needed to have time every week by myself, without my son, or else I would get burned out quickly. And getting a job did not count. This sentiment seems to be shared by many people. There are blog posts and entire websites associated with the very idea (http://www.mommytimeout.com/, http://mommys-timeout.com/, http://www.thebettermom.com/2013/09/18/5-signs-you-need-a-mommy-time-out/). So I decided to try it, since everyone said that is what I needed. And what I found was I was counting the minutes left until I could get back home to my son. I did not like it. And as he grew older I found myself finding ways to bring him with me when I go places. (Disclaimer: He does go to baby sitters some times when my husband and I have a special date or something we have to go to where I cannot figure out a way to bring my son along.)
Still I don't get it. So I started thinking about it. Why is it that I don't get it, yet there are so many moms who need it? I guess it could be my patience level or some other characteristic...... Or maybe it's comes down to purpose. Everyone is placed on this earth with a purpose. I have been learning a lot about passion and purpose lately (if you struggle finding yours Conscious Creator by Kris Krohn is an excellent book). Now there is probably someone thinking, "But I though the purpose and passion of all women is to be a mom. Isn't that the way it is supposed to be?" What if it's not? No let me be very careful when I say that. All women are supposed to be mothers and bring children to the earth. That's how they get here. But what if your actual passion and purpose is something else that you are supposed to do while you are being a mother? What if I don't understand the need for a time-out because I have been instilled with an immense passion for being a mom and that is my purpose? Instead of doing my passion while I am a mom, I am living my passion of being a mom while I do something else (right now work at a grocery store). So I carry on with my passion. I don't take time-outs from my son.
What are your thoughts? Do you need time outs? Do you think that it's possible to have a passion separate from being a mother that is something you do while being a mom?
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